Talking About Sexuality: Children Age 3 to 9

Developed by the Family Pride Coalition.

"How come I have two mommies?"

Children naturally become aware of similarities and differences. It is unlikely that they are judging or feeling bad about their family. They are simply noticing that their family is different from many others. One way to respond is to tell the story of how you came to be a couple and decided to have children. Another response may be: "There are many ways to be a family. Some children have one mom or one dad, some children have a mom and a dad, some children have a grandma, some children have two moms or two dads, and some children have two moms and a dad. What all children need is someone who loves them and takes care of them."

"Josephine said that boys can't marry boys."

No matter what we do, our children will be exposed to heterosexism: the assumption that everyone is heterosexual. As children become more aware of and influenced by people outside their family, they are confronted with a lack of understanding of our families. For children at this age, this question is not about legal definitions. It is more focused on relationships.

Parents may respond with, "You know that boys can marry boys. Remember, we went to Erik and Jim's wedding?" Pointing out their own experiences and identifying people they know in committed relationships will help children to recognize family based on a broader definition.

"What is a lesbian?"

Children may want more information about your sexual orientation as they get older. The words they have been hearing for years suddenly take on new meaning as they learn more about the world. They may be hearing words at school and wondering what they mean and why other children use them differently from the way they are used at home.

Be careful to figure out if the child is asking you to define the word or is asking about you.

A simple response may be: "A lesbian is a woman who loves other women."

"Judi is a lesbian and Juan is a gay man."

Sometimes our children need us to help them understand heterosexuality. They may assume that everyone is a gay man or lesbian. You may want to tell the child by saying something like: "Judi and Juan love each other just like your mom and I love each other. Women who love men are called heterosexual."

"A mom and a dad, a mom and a dad, why is it always a mom and a dad?"

At this age, children recognize that our families are underrepresented and often not included when people talk about families. Children may notice that teachers or other adults use a heterosexual, two-parent model when talking to children about their families. "Take this home to your mom and dad" is a common direction given to elementary school children.

Children may become silenced about their families if the adults never talk about the possibility of alternative family structures. They may not have an opportunity to bring up their family in these settings.

Some parents have gone to teachers and schools to tell them about their family at the beginning of the school year and to encourage teachers to offer opportunities for their children to discuss their families in the same way that other children's families are represented.

You also might want to empathize with your child and agree that it is not fair for others to ignore their family.