Talking About Sexuality: Children 10 and Older

Developed by the Family Pride Coalition.

As children's bodies begin to change, they recognize changes in others. This is accompanied by a curiosity about sexuality and changes in their feelings about others.

While it may seem that it should be easier for our children to explore all the possibilities for sexual orientation, many children report that this is not the case. They are confused by all of the choices and often don't know if they are feeling attracted to the same gender because they are comfortable with lesbian and gay people, they are responding to the expectations of their parents or because it is their true feeling. That is, the typical stages of same-sex crushes common to all children may be more confusing for our children.

Adult children also have said that, in remembering their struggle in these years, they recognize that they sometimes felt pressure to prove that they turned out to be heterosexual - in other words, "normal" in spite of being raised by lesbian and gay parents. This was both out of their own juggling of all of the possibilities and internal conflicts and the need they felt to protect their parents from the scrutiny that the children sometimes sensed from the larger community.

"One thing I know for sure, I'm not gay."

Children may push away the possibility that they could be lesbian or gay, or may try to prove that they are "different" from their parents. This can feel insulting or hurtful to parents but at this stage, children are trying to form their own identities. Part of this process is declaring yourself as different from your parents in any way possible.

Children also are aware of the price paid for being different within their peer group. They may want to draw clear boundaries between themselves and their parents and the lesbian and gay community. They also may affect extreme gender stereotypical behaviors as they create this distance. These actions are not necessarily specific reactions to their parents but may be their ways of exploring their own identity and creating safety within their peer community.

Creating a safe space for them to talk through their confusion or feelings about sexuality and gender expression will help them to understand how complicated this process is. They need to know that we will love and accept them. You might want to reassure them with statements like, "You will know what is right for you. When you meet someone you really love, it just feels right."