Talking About Our Families: Children Under 3

Developed by the Family Pride Coalition.
Babies and most toddlers do not ask us questions about their families. However, they do notice what goes on around them, and those observations form the basis of their thinking about families. Here are some of the thoughts they may have:

"Who are these people who take care of me?"

Infants and toddlers are focused on developing relationships. Their families are and will remain the most important relationships they have. Their sense of self is connected to their sense of family, and their way of being in the world is modeled through these early relationships. Infants and toddlers view their families as extensions of themselves.

Celebrating your family and affirming those relationships is what is important at this stage. Parents can do this by:

• Using the chosen name for a parent when talking to the child as in, "Here comes Papa."
• Giving and showing affection to their children and one another through actions and words.
• Creating rituals, ranging from special times with a parent (that might, for example, include a song or game known only to that child and that parent) to parties welcoming a new child.

"I call her my 'mima' but my grandmother calls her my 'mommy'." 

As children learn to talk, they need to have their significant adults speaking the same language as they are. The terms used by others to discuss family members need to be consistent with those that are familiar to the child.

Parents can inform other people about the name or names they use to refer to family members. Childcare providers, extended family and friends should all use the same language to name the members of the child's family.

"These people are fun to be with. My moms seem to be having a good time with them."

People in a child's extended family and community are important in the child's life. If possible, create a community of other gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender families similar to yours or who are supportive of your family. Doing so can create a network of people who communicate warmly and positively to children about their families and reflect similar family structures.

For example, this is possible when children who visit a family just like their own have adults who point out and reflect on the similarities between families by saying something like, "You have a daddy and a papa and so does Juan." The more they see and hear about similar families, the more it reinforces what families are.

"Who is mine? Who is yours?"

Anyone who has been around toddlers knows that they are learning about and focused on "mine." This is a natural part of their development and of coming to know who they are. This is a good time to begin talking about who "belongs" to them.

Children need to hear about their families from an early age and be told who is in their family. They never tire of hearing who loves them and how they are wanted. Simple language and family pictures can help children become aware of how their family came to be.

When they become older toddlers, they will be interested in other families. Specifically, they will want to know who belongs to whom. Talking about the many ways to be a family becomes important, as in: "Thomas has two moms, and Evan has a mom and a dad. You and Kati have two dads." Children learn about the world through their own personal experiences and therefore, think all families are like theirs. These simple statements help children develop a concept of "family" that includes others' and their own.