Talking About Our Families: Children Age 4 to 7

Developed by the Family Pride Coalition.

One of the keys to talking to children in this age group is finding a balance between too much information and too little information. Giving long-winded answers may often result in confusing children. Assuming that children who don't ask questions don't have questions may lead to children thinking that there is a need for or expectation of silence about their families. Here are some of the spoken and unspoken questions our children may have:

"Where did I come from? ... I meant what place?"

Responding to a question with a question often gives us the information we need to determine what it is the child wants to know. "What do you think?" or a similar question will help you understand exactly what is being asked and help the child clarify his original question.

Offering honest, simple answers is the best strategy for answering the many questions that children will ask during these years. Children will naturally push for more information if what you have offered is not enough.

Adoption

Children who are adopted can be told the story of meeting their adoptive parent or parents for the first time, including the ways in which their family wanted and planned for them. Books with related themes can be used to help the child relate to other similar experiences.

Donor (Alternative) Insemination

Sometimes adults have a hard time discussing things like donor insemination. Preparing simple answers ahead of time to the questions you know are coming can help you feel more comfortable, such as: "Your mommy and I wanted to have a baby. You grew from a special people egg in mommy's body in a place called a womb."

If pressed further, you can discuss the introduction of sperm by saying, "We also needed a seed from a man, which is called sperm, to help the egg grow into a baby. Our doctor helped us find someone who wanted to help us make a baby. The seed and egg grew to be you."

Surrogacy

Surrogacy can also be handled with a simple explanation such as, "Your daddies wanted to have a baby. You grew in a woman's body in a special place called a womb until you were ready to be born. Then daddy and I were able to bring you home to our house." Later, language like "birth mother" can be included to help the child understand the relationships.

Note: Because children at this stage associate mother and father as relationships that children have with people, be cautious about using terms like "father" or "mother" to describe sperm donors or surrogates unless you have made the decision to include them in a parenting relationship.

Blended Families

Children in blended families from previous heterosexual or gay or lesbian relationships need to be able to talk about their families of origin as well as the relationships they have with the people with whom they currently live. If you are able to discuss your new relationship honestly and openly by saying things such as, "Cheryl and I love each other and want to live together," it will help the children understand how their family has changed. Children need to hear that former partners still love them and that they can still love all their parents without hurting anyone. Allowing children to develop in their relationship with a new partner at a comfortable pace and using language that they choose (such as, stepfather, "Mom's friend," "my other Mom") gives them a sense of control over their relationships. Adults can point out language that might be suitable such as, "Do you think he's kind of your step-dad, like Eric is your friend Emilia's step-dad?"

"Why does Maria have a mom and a dad?"

As children go off to school, they become aware of other families. Other adults might approach these questions from a "deficit model" assuming that the child is "missing" a parent. Instead, the children may just be noticing and wanting to talk about similarities and differences. For them, family configurations are a matter of fact. They do not naturally attach value to a particular kind of family.

Children want to talk about their families. They define and redefine their own families to include people, pets and toys. They may even pretend to have brothers, sisters and extra parents or ask you to pretend that you are someone else in relationship to them. They are just playing. They are not trying to change who is in their family or be anyone else. It is important for adults to recognize this as play and to respond in a way that is playful and matter-of-fact.

"I was born far away and my daddies brought me here to live with them."

Children are fascinated by stories of themselves as babies. They may be driven to share their life stories, including stories about adoption and conception. They may ask to hear these stories over and over again and will share them with friends, schoolmates or anyone who will listen. Be aware that everything you tell them will potentially be shared with others.

Having photo albums or baby books that document their life in your family helps them reinforce their sense of belonging and understand their relationships. We play an important role by giving them words to talk about their experiences and relationships.

"Why am I the only brown one in our family?"

For multiracial families, additional questions having to do with skin color and identity may arise. Again, simple language to explain how your family came to be is the best way to approach these questions. Discussing differences as one part of families and pointing out other families and how they are the same and different can be helpful. For example: "Some children and parents look alike and some look different. What is important is that we belong to each other. We take care of each other and love each other. That is what makes us a family."

Do not minimize or try to deny what children notice. It is part of their identity development and should be celebrated.