Talking About Our Families: Children 8 and Older

Developed by the Family Pride Coalition.

"Nobody talks about their parents."

For many children in the preadolescent and adolescent years, fitting in and being part of a group may be the most important thing. Around age 7, some children no longer want or know how to talk about their families. This is especially true if their family is perceived to be "different."

Children need others, including adults in authority, to bring up the topic of families and how they are the same or different for discussion within the peer group.

At this time, children also may need to be in charge of who they come out to about their family. Children often share intimate details ("secrets") of their lives with only a few close friends. They will learn where, when and with whom it is safe to talk about their lives. When this occurs, many parents feel like their child is rejecting them or is ashamed of their sexuality or gender identity. Most of this behavior, however, is typical. In fact, heterosexual parents may also experience a sense of rejection for other reasons.

While the child may choose to be less open, you as parents do not have to make the same choice. Children still need models of us as proud and respectful of our selves and our relationships. Of course, the community in which you live impacts how comfortable you are with being out. You and your children should always be sure that you are not in danger if you are open about your sexual orientation or gender identity.

Offering opportunities to participate in activities within the gay and lesbian community is still important. However, we should anticipate that our children might make a choice to be less connected at this stage of development.

"Everyone uses 'gay' as an insult and the teachers don't say anything."

It is common for children in this age group to begin to call each other names like "gay," "faggot," "lezzy" and "dyke." Children recognize and are sensitive to attacks on people who are like the people in their families and communities. Our children often feel personally insulted when this name-calling occurs even if it was not directed at them or their family.

Parents can work with school systems to sensitize them to the impact of insulting language on their children. If this is not possible, parents can still talk to their children about their experiences and feelings and acknowledge how difficult this may be for them. Talking about the words, their meanings and the ways in which they feel hurtful to us in our community helps children identify their own feelings related to this kind of name- calling. It is important to help children separate their personal response to the name- calling from the intent on the part of the aggressor. In all cases, hurtful name-calling is wrong and our children can be helped to understand this.

"Some kids asked me if my mom is a lesbian. I don't know what to do."

This can be a scary time for our children. They need us to give them strategies for responding to the questions or insults of other children. Some strategies that have worked for children in this age group include:

Giving Direct Responses Such As, "Yes, She Is"

Children have reported that this takes the power away from the child asking the question. If the child tries to keep it a secret, other children can use it to tease or bully him or her. If they are honest and matter-of-fact, the words may lose their power.

Making a Joke in Response

Some children feel more comfortable redirecting the questions or insults using humor. This may help children by getting them the approval of their peer group. They also do not have to directly confirm or deny the comment.

Seeking Help from Adults

Children have gone to teachers or principals to ask for assistance in stopping harassment or educating their peers. Some children have held discussions in their classrooms about their families and why the words children use hurt their feelings. Not every child will feel safe doing this but some have used it effectively.

Ignoring Comments

Walking away from potentially inflammatory situations suits the personality of some children. They choose not to engage in discussions or confrontations. However, this may increase the teasing later on or cause them to worry about the next time it happens. These children may need additional help with strategies or may need their parents to communicate with the school.

Finding a Supportive Group of Friends

For all children, this is a time where having one or more close friends who can be trusted makes them feel safer. Allies are important. Parents can try to encourage children to find friends who will be accepting of their families. Children begin to seek out friends who they perceive to be the same as themselves. Groups such as Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE) can offer local peer groups or a pen pal so children have contact with others who have similar families and experiences.

"Do you have to wear that?  My friends are going to be there."

During the preadolescent years and beyond, children focus on the ways that they are different from their parents. They talk about family less as they consider themselves more independent. Often, children are driven to disagree with and judge their parents' choices.

Parents can continue to focus on family and support their children by giving honest information about who they are and choose to be. Often, a way to minimize the conflict is to agree to disagree while still maintaining a position of pride.

Explaining pride in our identity and culture along with our personal struggle in being different (something teen-agers can really relate to) shares our personal history and provides opportunities to talk. Often, these conversations create allies of our children and reinforce that home is the place where they can be themselves.

By the end of high school, some children celebrate things that are radical or different from the mainstream. Having gay and lesbian parents may become admired.

Concluding Thoughts

As children grow in their knowledge and understanding of the world and issues of race, sexual orientation, relationships, gender identity and expression, their questions can become far more explicit. For example, they might ask:

• "Did you know you were gay before you met Ray?"
• "How did you choose the donor?"
• "Why did you go to China to adopt me?"
• "How did you decide to become a woman? Do you not like boys or men?"

Parents need to be careful not to read too much into their questions and use these as opportunities to educate their children about the full range of options available for creating families and expressing identity. The best way to teach about this is to tell your own personal story or stories of others you know. Read your child's cues for how much he or she can handle at each given moment. It is fine to offer some information and wait for them to come back for greater clarity or detail when they are ready.