My Love and Faith Had Been Locked Away for Years
By Jim Swanson
It is impossible for me to explain the amount of change that has taken place for me in the last few years. I guess that back then, I could not have guessed how happy I could be at this very moment. I was so deep in the closet, so set in my ways and had absolutely no plans to change that. I didn’t realize it at the time but my hiding had also been the root cause of family tensions and some messed-up relationships with loved ones.
There are often pivotal events that end up having profound changes in our lives. In October 1998, I heard the news about the Matthew Shepard, and I was crushed. The ache in my heart became unbearable and I cried myself to sleep a couple of nights. The thing that struck me was that there was no one to share my grief with.
It was about this time that another random event occurred: The deacons in my church, of which I am one, decided to have someone come and speak to us about homosexuality and the church. The speaker was a minister who has a gay son. Listening to him describe his son in such a loving way, and seeing that not only can a family accept a gay member, but they can also love him and even become closer because of him, sounded so good to me. The minister also introduced me to the work being done by United Church of Christ and their Open and Affirming churches program. His story about his son coming out to him was so touching and so close to my heart.
I began to see some hope. I could also see that the church and my faith had room for gays — maybe. The more I contemplated coming out, the more excited I got.
I had a close friend whom I knew I could tell. When I came out to him, I couldn’t even use the word. I finally said, "I’m not straight." I instantly felt the weight of all these years being lifted. I shall never forget that moment. His reaction was one of total acceptance, and in fact, he felt honored that I chosen to tell him. I still dreaded telling my family, but I had tasted freedom.
Then I met Ken, and my entire world started to change. As our love grew deeper and deeper, we both found courage to do what we now knew we had to do. When the time was right, I told my brother. At first he had the look of a deer caught in the headlights, but a little later that same night, he gave me a hug. With that, I knew it would be OK.
As the rest of the family learned I was gay, a most remarkable thing happened. We all became more open and found we were all being drawn closer together, closer than we had been in years. My family has shown me unconditional love.
I now find that I am closer to God than at any time in my life. Once you are honest with yourself and no longer ashamed, it brings about many changes. My love and my faith were locked in that old closet all those years. Ken and I now share a life full of love, hope and joy.
Sept. 28, 2004
