How Do I Start Over at 47?
Answered by Dr. Mary Barber, president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists. Oct. 22, 2001
Starting over at 47
Q: Dear Mary,
I am a 47-year-old woman. I am depressed and lonely and not sure what to do about it.
I have always been attracted to women but kept it secret. I married at age 18 and had three children (now 28, 19 and 17 years old). After 19 years of marriage, my husband told me that he was bisexual and that he just found out he had AIDS. I stayed with him. We were best friends and I did love him but I don't really think I was in love with him. He died one year later.
I have been alone for 10 years now. I haven't dated men or women. I have dedicated my life and time to my kids. I felt their lives were more important and that they needed me full time. Now that they are older and pretty much on their own, I think it's time for me.
I finally had the courage to come out to a very close friend, who is a lesbian. She was very supportive. My question is, do I tell the kids or should I wait until the day that I do find somebody I want to be with and then tell them?
My other concern is, if I do meet somebody, I feel it is my moral obligation to tell her my late husband had AIDS. I was tested when I first learned about him, and at that time I was HIV negative. I haven't been tested since, though.
I'm really having a hard time dealing with this. I realize you only go around once in life, and I have the feeling that I had my day in the sun and should just sit back and be grateful for what I have. Why upset everybody's world around me?
I would appreciate any advice you may have for me.
Jo
A: Dear Jo,
You are clearly at a crossroads in your life. Should you take the plunge into a new life and explore the possibility of a relationship with a woman? Should you come out to your children? These are complex and very personal questions that only you can answer. Something inside you is creating an urgency to act on your feelings towards women and, at the same time, you have feelings pulling you away from those urges.
For someone going through a profound change in life, as you are, getting professional counseling can be of great use. A good gay-affirmative therapist will help you examine your feelings so that you can make decisions that are right for you.
You are still a young woman, and I do not agree that you have already had your "day in the sun." At the same time, you don't have to feel pressured to decide anything about these issues right now. It is OK to go at your own pace.
Wrestling with issues about one's sexuality in adulthood is much like having a second adolescence. As you have experiences such as coming out to a friend, starting to contact the gay community or thinking about dating a woman, you may feel exhilarated or terrified, elated or crushed.
You may feel on a roller coaster with your moods during this time, which is difficult enough in one's teens but can be very distressing later on in life. This is another reason why therapy could be particularly helpful.
If your emotions rise to the level of clinical depression -- for example, if you have persistent sleep problems, trouble concentrating, loss of appetite and persistent depressed moods -- a good therapist can diagnose the depression and provide treatment.
To find a qualified, gay-affirmative therapist, you have several options. You can call your local gay and lesbian services center, if you have one nearby. You can ask trusted friends for names. You can also search the national referral list on the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists web site or call the national office at 215-222-2800.
A therapist can be a certified social worker (C.S.W.), clinical psychologist (Ph.D. or Psy.D.) or psychiatrist (M.D.) and should be licensed in your state.
Aside from searching out a good therapist, you can also get support right now through the gay community. You've already started doing that, by going to HRC FamilyNet. Again, if you have a local gay and lesbian services center, that would be a good resource for finding out about community events, peer support groups, bookstores, etc. HRC has links to many local GLBT organizations on its website. Your lesbian friend is also a good resource for finding out about the local gay and lesbian community. The Internet can be a wealth of information as well, as you probably have found out through HRC FamilyNet and its links.
As an aside, from what you've told me, it would seem your likelihood of being HIV-positive is low, and you might be able to put that issue to rest for good with a second test. However, I can hear that you have conflicting thoughts on that issue as well and, like deciding whether to date and what to tell your children, it is up to you.
Good luck in your journey.
Sincerely,
Dr. Mary Barber
Barber is president of the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists.
Oct. 22, 2001