How Can I Help My Partner Come Out to her Parents?
Answered by Kirsten Kingdon, executive director of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. May 21, 2001
When a partner struggles with coming out
Q: Dear Kirsten,
My girlfriend is currently struggling to come out to her parents. They are a somewhat conservative Catholic family. When she was a teen-ager, they found out about a relationship she was having with another girl and gave her firm messages that she was doing something wrong. Although she is nearly twice that age now, she is having trouble believing that they will support her right as an adult to make different choices.
I think that she feels that she may be better off leaving the issue alone and not telling them. This situation has been stressful to her, me and our relationship. I have not pressured her to come out but seeing her continued procrastination has been really frustrating. I come to family events as the "friend" and feel like I'm lying to them.
Do you have any advice for us, especially (for me) about how to maintain a supportive stance in the face of her ambivalence and (for her) about how to know that you're making a good decision to come out? I believe that her parents will be happy to be more included in her life when and if she comes out. Is there any evidence to support this idea?
Thanks,
Carol
A: Dear Carol,
I sympathize with you. Being the partner of someone who has not come out to her parents is always awkward, at the very least. But during this time of uncertainty, it is important to support your girlfriend - no matter what her decision may be. Explain your feelings and frustrations and explore the effects coming out may have both on your relationship with her and her relationship with her family.
With her family's religious background, it may be difficult for them to move beyond some of the beliefs they have. But there is hope. PFLAG and groups like Dignity USA work with families to accept and support gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Catholics.
There is no sure way to tell if your girlfriend's parents would be happier if she came out to them. But I firmly believe that that, in the long run, family relationships are immeasurably strengthened when parents can appreciate their children as they are, rather than as parents wish them to be. I know our family is so much happier and healthier than it was before our son came out to us. I'm immensely grateful that he took the risk of telling us. And it is a delight to us to see how happy he is, especially when he is with his boyfriend. Most parents love their children and can eventually see and accept what's right for them.
No matter what her decision is, know that groups like PFLAG and Dignity USA are there to support you, your partner and her family. Please feel free to contact us if we can help in any way.
Sincerely,
Kirsten Kingdon
Kingdon is executive director of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
May 21, 2001