How Can I Help My Lesbian Daughter Deal with Coming Out?
Answered by Candace J. Gingrich, National Coming Out Project manager for the Human Rights Campaign Foundation. March 20, 2002
Helping lesbian daughter come out
Q: Dear Candace,
My very shy 19-year-old daughter came out to us, her parents, about six months ago. We are very accepting and she knows we love her and want her to be happy. She is away at college as a freshman. But she has been unable to be outgoing enough to meet other lesbians on campus because of her shyness, even though there are opportunities. She has not come out to her roommate or dorm-mates. I have given her advice about meeting people in general and I've sounded like broken record about this. I've also told her that she knows what she needs to do when she is ready. Any advice or book you can recommend?
Thank you,
Janet
A: Dear Janet,
First, let me thank you for your interest in this. Your love and support are crucial to your daughter at this time. Asking someone who is already shy to take a further risk by meeting others with whom she may have little or nothing in common other than a shared sexual orientation is certainly a challenge.
You may want to encourage her to speak with a counselor at school or at home about overcoming her shyness. In the meantime, learning more about others like her and their experiences may help.
Here are two books that she might find helpful:
- Free Your Mind: The Book for Gay, Lesbian & Bisexual Youth & Their Allies by Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman (HarperCollins, 1996).
- Two Teenagers in Twenty: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth (Alyson Publications, 1995).
Thanks to the increased access to computers as well as the ease and relative privacy of Internet communications, many people are choosing to come out online. Chat rooms and other features allow Internet users to participate in online communities where they can be themselves. I don't know if this would help alleviate your daughter's shyness, but it might be a way for her to become more comfortable talking about herself and interacting with others before she feels able to attend any gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender meetings or social events.
You seem to have a good handle on things with your understanding that your daughter will know what to do when the time is right. Your vocal and visible support will go a long way in helping your daughter through these challenging times of college and coming out.
Best of luck.
Sincerely,
Candace J. Gingrich
Gingrich is the National Coming Out Project manager for the Human Rights Campaign Foundation
March 20, 2002