How Do I Come Out to Siblings?
Ritch Savin-Williams, a Cornell University professor of clinical and developmental psychology and author of Mom, Dad, I'm Gay. May 13, 2002
How do I come out to siblings?
Q: Dear Ritch,
My son came out to us a year ago. Now my husband and I are struggling with how to tell his three sisters (ages 11, 14 and 17). I don't know what their reaction will be. Will they need counseling? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Karen
A: Dear Karen,
Although I do not know the particular dynamics of your family, my strong recommendation is that, if possible, your son, not you, disclose the nature of his sexuality to his sisters. I assume, based on the age distribution of your other three children, that he is the oldest child and is currently out of the home. Your daughters are old enough to understand the meaning of his sexuality, likely know someone who has same-sex attractions and already suspect that their brother is gay.
If the conversation is individually based, then he should tailor this discussion with each sister based on her level of understanding. I suggest that your son come out to his sisters as soon as possible. He could do this face-to-face, or he could convene a family meeting that includes all three sisters, with or without you and your husband being present. An all-inclusive family meeting may be best because it reduces the supposedly secretive, shameful aspect of his sexuality.
Your son needs to feel in control, as much as possible, of who knows about his sexuality. By sharing the information with his sisters, he has a chance to strengthen his relationship with them by demonstrating that he trusts and honors them. Your part in this is to encourage and support your son before and after this conversation. Talk with him about his fears, expectations, resistance and desires for a successful "coming-out-to-sisters" outcome.
If your daughters have difficulties with the information, then tell your son that you will be happy to talk with them or offer them additional, professional help. School, community or religious counselors open to diversity could go a long way in helping them understand their brother's sexuality.
All in all, this experience could very well strengthen your family's bond and trust of each other. Best of luck with the process!
Sincerely,
Ritch Savin-Williams
Savin-Williams is a Cornell University professor of clinical and developmental psychology and author of Mom, Dad, I'm Gay.
May 13, 2002