How Can I Help Parents Adjust To My Coming Out?
Answered by Candace J. Gingrich, National Coming Out Project manager for the Human Rights Campaign. Jan. 8, 2003
Helping parents adjust
Q: Dear Candace,
I'm 29 and recently came out to my friends. I'm very close to my family and not sure how to tell them I'm gay. My mother is Catholic and even though she accepts my gay friends, they are not her "kid." I know it will be more difficult for her to accept me.
I talk to my parents every day and feel like I'm living a lie. They are always there for me and I don't like keeping secrets. Could you please give me some advice on what to do?
Thank You,
Susie
A: Susie,
I'm glad to hear that you have taken steps to come out to your friends and now want to share this part of your life with your folks. You are not alone in your trepidation. Many people find that coming out to family is the most daunting part of the coming out journey. Fortunately, most of them also find that it is one of the most rewarding, bringing them closer than ever to their parents.
It is good that your mother knows you have gay friends and has been accepting of them. This acceptance may not automatically carry over to you, but it is a good start. The Human Rights Campaign's Resource Guide to Coming Out chapter Telling Family Members may be of assistance to you, as well as HRC's National Coming Out Project's Frequently Asked Questions.
Your mother's Catholicism may not be the barrier to acceptance that you fear it is, especially if you are prepared for any questions she might have. You may want to start by visiting the website of DignityUSA, the largest national lay movement of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Catholics, their families and friends. One document that you may find helpful is ALWAYS OUR CHILDREN: A Pastoral Message to Parents of Homosexual Children and Suggestions for Pastoral Ministers, a 1997 statement by the National Conference of Catholic Bishops' Committee on Marriage and Family. This official document does not advocate outright for acceptance, but does offer practical advice to both parents and pastors for dealing with a child's sexual orientation.
I understand how you would be uncomfortable keeping such an important part of your life hidden from your parents, especially when you're so close to them. When you decide to take this step, you might want to have contact information for the nearest Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) chapter. Just as we find it helpful to speak to other GLBT people, your parents might benefit from talking with other parents of GLBT children.
I would also recommend them to Betty DeGeneres' column. As the outspoken straight mother of actress Ellen DeGeneres, she has helped inspire many parents to be more accepting of their children.
Lastly, remember to give them time to adjust to the news. This might not be easy. We often expect unconditional love from our families no matter what the issue. But remember, it may have taken you years to accept your sexual orientation, and your family will need time of their own.
Best of luck to you, Susie, as you continue your journey.
Sincerely,
Candace J. Gingrich
Gingrich is the National Coming Out Project manager for the Human Rights Campaign
Jan. 8, 2003