How Can I Get My Parents To Understand That I Can’t Change My Sexual Orientation?
Answered by Ritch Savin-Williams, a Cornell University professor of clinical and developmental psychology and author of Mom, Dad, I'm Gay. Nov. 16, 2004
Q: Dear Ritch,
My parents recently found out that I am gay. I am a 16 years old.
My father and I set up a time to talk about it, which I thought would help them understand. Unfortunately, when we started talking my father pulled out a book by Dr. James Dobson that says that gays can change their sexuality.
For the entire conversation he tried to make me rethink my sexuality. He told me that I would have a horrible life because of the anti-gay atmosphere of society and that gay men supposedly have multiple partners. He doesn't believe that I was born this way because there is no "evidence." I want him to just accept me for who I am, but he insists that I can change. He wants me to go to a Christian psychiatrist to see if I am gay or not, and I really don't know what to do.
My father doesn't believe anything I say, yet he is so believing of Dr. Dobson. I am totally lost on what to do. How can I get him to realize that what he is doing is hurting me? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you so much,
John
A: Dear John,
What is most apparent to me is that your father wants to believe that you can change your sexuality. Science be damned! Dobson's book is filled with half-truths and what some might call lies. It is a book of religious beliefs and not science.
As scientists, we know that it is impossible to change your sexual orientation — yes, you can change your sexual identity (you can choose to label yourself gay, bisexual, unlabeled, questioning, straight or even nothing) and sexual behavior (whether to have it, how often, with whom and what activities) but you cannot change your basic sexual orientation (attractions, fantasies, desires). I could give you mountains of scientific evidence, but my guess is that your father will not believe it, regardless of its merit. He cannot believe it because he does not want to believe it.
So, if possible, back off these kinds of "discussions." Avoid arguments. Statements such as "That is your belief, but I do not share it," should be sufficient. It is not your job to convince him. Rather, your job is to demonstrate that he is wrong: You can have a great life and be happy, successful and loved. Perhaps to help you get there other family members, related and unrelated adults and friends will be more supportive and giving. If your father loves you unconditionally (which is supposed to be a basic tenet of parenting), then he will come around. You might have to wait awhile, perhaps until he realizes the inevitable: You are still the loving son you have always been.
Never agree to go to a therapist that he selects. You can agree to see a therapist to talk about your concerns, your life and your family. Seeing a therapist is often extremely helpful — but only if it is someone with whom you can connect with trust and communication. Someone who will not make you feel guilty about your sexuality or try to get you to change it. Feel free to shop around until you find this person. Will your father let you select your own therapist? You might ask others for a "gay positive" therapist, who does not need to be gay (as that would probably get a veto from your father). You might want to call a nearby gay organization and request the name of a "gay-positive" therapist. Or, you can make the same request from your local county mental health clinic or mental health association. If you call the psychology or counseling clinic of a local college or university, or even a hospital, they might know of a "gay-positive" therapist.
Here are some resources that I can recommend:
- Free Your Mind: The Book For Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youth and Their Allies. E. Bass and K. Kaufman, Harper Collins Publishers, 1996.
- Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experiences. C.W. Griffen, M. Wirth and A. Wirth, St. Martin Press, 1996.
- Always My Child: A Parents Guide to Understanding and Supporting Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning Son or Daughter. Kevin Jennings, Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, 2002.
- "Mom, Dad. I'm Gay." How Families Negotiate Coming Out. Ritch Savin-Williams, American Psychological Association, 2001.
- YoungGayAmerica@aol.com.
By the way, on an optimistic note, the vast majority of parents come around and accept their child's sexuality. It might take them months or years but eventually love conquers.