How Do I Come Out to My Parents?
Answered by Mark Shields, director of the HRC Coming Out Project. Dec. 13, 2005.
Q: Dear Mark,
I am a 37-year-old gay man. I have been in a committed relationship for the past two years and I am one of four children. Two of my sisters know the truth about me, but I am struggling trying to find a way to come out to my parents who are both in their 70s.
I suspect my father knows, but my mother seems oblivious. I need to come out to my entire family. The time is now. I feel like I am hindering my relationship with my boyfriend, who has been extremely supportive on the issue. We have discussed living together and taking the next step, but I can't do it until my family knows the truth.
Any suggestions on how to deal with my parents? I know it seems easy to just say, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay … get over it." But I need help!
Thank You,
Paul
A: Hey Paul,
Coming out to parents is one of the hardest and most significant parts of coming out. Understand that as you have gone through a lifetime to get ready to come out to your parents, they will have to go through a process of their own when they know. Many parents need to spend time grieving the dreams that they had for you growing up — that is a natural response that many people have to go through so that they can make space in their hearts and minds for new hopes and dreams for you and your boyfriend.
There is no one "right" way to have the conversation with your family. I would suggest having the conversation privately, at a time when you and your parents are free from distractions, in a place that is private and safe for each of you. Allow time to have a lengthy conversation in case they have questions, and also understand that they may need to spend some time digesting before they have questions.
Everyone's coming out experience is different. The one thing that we all seem to have in common is that coming out — no matter if you have been out for 20 minutes, or for 20 years — always takes energy. The good news is that it is almost always worth it, and afterward people often feel healthier, more relaxed and closer to the people they have shared with.
Paul — all of us at HRC wish you the best of luck as you start this next path of your coming out journey. You may want to look at our guided conversation resource for ideas on how to get the conversation started with your mom and dad.
Please keep in touch, and let us know how your story unfolds.