Gay Parenting in the Military
Q: Dear Virginia,
I have a 5-year-old son, Justin, from a previous lesbian relationship. He lives with his biological mom, who is in the Army, but stays with me during the summers. Lately, Justin has been asking about his father. My question is: How can we tell him about his father or his conception so that he will understand? He knows he has two mothers but he still wants to know about his father. More importantly, how do we get him to not share this information, which could potentially get his mother kicked out of the Army? I don't want him to get the idea that he should be ashamed or feel guilty. How can I tell him to keep it a secret without him feeling that way?
Thanks for your help.
Denise
A: Dear Denise,
I'm sorry to say that I can't think of another situation that better depicts the contradictions of being a lesbian or gay parent in America right now than the situation in which you, Justin and your ex-partner find yourselves.
I should also say that, typically, my responses are lengthy and offer a number of possible ways of proceeding. But that doesn't seem possible here. Justin absolutely deserves to know about his origins when he asks about his father. And the best way to do it, I believe, would be when you and his other mom are both with him, perhaps at the beginning of the summer so that he has some time to digest the information and ask questions during the school break.
If you had this conversation the way many people do, you might do something like this: Describe how you wanted a child and went to a doctor who got you some sperm (explain this in a way you feel comfortable with) so that his biological mom could become pregnant and the two of you could raise him as his parents and continue to do so even though you live separately.
Of course, the very hard part of your predicament is that there is no guarantee that one day in school, or at a friend's house, this information won't slip out. You can tell Justin that not everyone understands this kind of family so it is better not to initiate a discussion about it outside his family. But to be honest, asking him to keep a secret is not advisable, nor what you really seem to want to do, based on what you wrote in your letter.
And then you have to help him figure out what to say when he is asked whether he has a father, where he is, etc. I'm not pleased to give this advice, but it does seem that this is a situation in which the child comes before the grown-ups. I don't know the other variables, such as what your ex would do if she had to leave the Army, and that, of course, must be considered. This is one of those situations, however, that does not come without risk.
We all live with various amounts of risk by being gay, but being in the Army poses a higher risk in this regard. I do believe that if you try your best to communicate your ideas to him, convey your gay-positive feelings and stay open to any confusion or other feelings he may have, your family will come out of this just fine. On the other hand, you and your ex must be prepared if the information does come out.
Here's a thought on a lighter note: It's only a few short years until he joins the ranks of those who claim to have no interest in talking about their parents, or anyone else's for that matter! I do wish all of you strength, clarity and safety until you reach that stage.
Sincerely,
Virginia Casper
Casper is director of the Infant and Parent Development and Early Intervention Program at Bank Street College of Education.
May 22, 2001